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The Canadian press has been interrogating indigenous people and their history much more frequently of late.  A number of ‘journalists’ have launched rather scathing blindsides (named as such because they show no vision and are extremely one-sided) on the Idle No More movement and the simultaneous hunger strike of Chief Theresa Spence.  Interrogating many of these articles shows a lack of understanding of history on the part of the authors. Here at White People HQ we examined the histories of some of the ‘journalists’ to determine just why they may be so reticent to really delve into the history.

Jeffrey Simpson – The Simpson family has been historically one with significant privilege and wealth. The one exception is Jeffrey Simpson’s father Bartholomew who went from riches to rags.  This was a result of an affliction of syphilis which resulted in a permanent hysteria.  Since he refused to be “blackmailed” into seeing a doctor the condition worsened and he ended up destitute.  He lived out his days in a small shack on the edge of the larger Simpson family estate. He referred to his shack as a dream palace. It was here while buried in a haze of homemade moonshine and memories he would spend months at a time.  Ironically he believed he was self-sustaining but was actually left food by his daughters each day while he was passed out until one day he didn’t wake up.

Ezra Levant – Perhaps Ezra Levant’s greatest family influence was his grandfather Bibi Levant. Bibi Levant was part of a very small and very un-influential group in Germany in the 1930s called Jews for Adolf. This group was very much interested in Hitler’s policies on the Roma and gays.  They were disbanded very quickly once they finished reading Mein Kampf. Ezra has been quoted on his grandfather saying: “although we disagreed on Hitler’s socialism I can always look to Bibi as the one who taught me my racism.”

Tom Flanagan – Tom Flanagan comes from a long line of flanagans. Flanagan is Irish slang for liar, hence the naming of the pathological liar character on SNL.  The particular Flanagan strain from which Tom “the Flanagan” Flanagan descends came to North America in the early 1860s. They eventually made it to what is now Manitoba pretending the whole time to be French. Tom’s great-great-grandfather Steven Flanagan attempted to pretend the family was French, partially due to anti-Irish bias, and partially because they were just a bunch of flanagans.  In the 1870s then Prime Minister John A. MacDonald required a witness to corroborate the story about Louis Riel he was attempting to promote in order to have Riel hanged.  Steven Flanagan, being a total flanagan provided the perfect witness and despite having never before seen Louis Riel made up a long tale about all the treasonous things Riel had planned. Tom Flanagan’s interest in covering up his great-great-grandfathers fraudulent accounts remain the only logical explanation for his ‘academic’ interest in Riel.

Terry Glavin – Terry Glavin’s great-great grandfather Glenn Glavin lived in Athenry, County Cork, Ireland through the great Irish famine. Totally unaware that there was a resistance to English occupation Glenn Glavin worked as an accountant for one Charles Edward Trevelyan. He was tasked with managing the corn supply to the starving Irish countryside. Due to his strength of character Glenn Glavin was reportedly never moved by those suffering morbidly in the famine around him. In perhaps the most infamous act of his unempathetic life Glenn Glavin turned in one Irishman named Michael to his boss Trevelyan inspiring the best stadium song of all time, The Fields of Athenry.

John Ivison – John Ivison comes from long line of pro-English colonization Scots. He actually left Scotland in the 1990s as a result of the resurgence of Scottish nationalism desiring to find a new role serving colonial overlords. His clan, clan Ivison, was banished for siding with the English at Bannockburn in 1314 and there tartan was officially rescinded by Scotland in 1317.  The English provided clan Ivison with a coat of arms featuring a weasel and a snake cowering beneath a shield celebrating their role in supporting England in the unsuccessful colonization of Scotland. For generations they produced cheese in Yorkshire, producing what has been described by one cheese connoisseur as: “perhaps the mist vile attempt at a cheese ever conceived in the history of the British isles.” He went on to say “making cheese is a process it is not simplistic, you don’t just put a button and get cheese. These Ivisons don’t seem to get that.”

John Ibbiston – Due to a record keeping error the family history of the Ibbitsons is not available.  What we do now is that Ibbitson, following Scandinavian naming conventions, means son of the ibbit. An ibbit is a small rodent whose range is now limited to Gotland off the Southeast coast of Sweden. Ibbits have become nearly extinct due to their short range of vision and their habit of consuming whatever is placed in front of them. It is said that if you wiggle a finger in front of an ibbit it will become so mesmerized you can catch it with the other hand without it even figuring out what is going on.

Johnathan Kay – Johnathan Kay started off in metallurgical engineering with the life goal to make gold-plated turds. Realizing such an endeavour was physically impossible he turned to journalism where he has attempted the same feat with words. He does however often gets the combination inside out.  The Kays, as a family collectively appear massively unproductive, high-cost, sociologically infantilized and dysfunctional to the world when examined impartially.  Nevertheless historically they were able to produce a significant amount of paint for horse shoes. Ultimately horse shoe paint was seen as the pure sinkhole for resources produced elsewhere that it was and the family fled to Canada.

Christie Blatchford – No records of the Blatchfords exist outside of a brief description in Tolkein’s Silmarillion. Long term residents of Mordor they were renowned for their venom spitting ability and little else.  It is believed that Dr. Seuss based the Grinch character off of a Blatchford.

Andrew Coyne – Andrew Coyne’s father James Coyne was hired by Prime Minister Louis St. Laurent to be governor of the Bank of Canada. On his hiring the Prime Minister stated: “I am happy to have someone who only thinks of money in charge of our money.” Prime Minister Diefenbaker found Coyne frustrating to work with due to the fact that Coyne frequently forgot he was dealing with a country of money rather than just a stack of money. Coyne was famous for calling politics “just squabbling” and thought anyone who didn’t spend their time trying to amass giant stacks of money were “cultural fundamentalists”. Andrew Coyne has described his father as his greatest influence.

Disclaimer – Not all family histories may be 100% accurate but they are at least as accurate as the stories told by the respective ‘journalists’.

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