Gay people are the in thing right now. They are all over TV and the movies. Every summer they have a huge parade which, if you ignore the first half being filled with uniformed colonizers and harassment agents (the military and the police respectively), is really fun. To get to the parade you will need your ally card. Here is how you get it.

The most important thing about being a straight ally is reminding everyone that you are straight.  Never let anyone think you are gay.  Letting people think you are gay might mean you get a gay card which comes with so much more responsibility than the ally card.  You want access to the parade and maybe some services (decorating and the like) you stereotypically associate with gay folk you don’t want the real struggle. That is draining. If you are really lucky you might be able to use some gay folk to brighten up your dull racist assertions about a particular elsewhere being full of evil people.

Dan Savage is really important to read when you are an ally. He taught us that gay bullying is only a high school phenomenon.  He also taught us everything is good for gays after high school because colleges are gay all friendly and all gay men make a truckload of money once they graduate. He also reminds us that seeing as sexuality and gender are in no way fluid, as allies, this is not our fight. This fight is not about love and life just laws. Straight love and gay love are completely separate; separate but equal.

It is important now to point out that not all gay people are the same. Some are gay and some are lesbian.  Also there is the acronym TBLG which stands for some other stuff too. Gay people call this how you identify but as an ally you’ll be identifying gay people yourself. Seeing as asking a person what they like to be called (or as they might say how they identify) could be seen as intrusive make an educated guess. You may need to do some research (like a science project) but this saves yourself the trouble of engaging with the people you are allying with.

Another thing you can do is point out gay folks to your straight friends. Some people don’t like gay folk and making these homophobes uncomfortable by outing gay people nearby might help them come around to the ally side.  I tried to do this with one gay person I was allying earlier and he stopped talking to me but I think he just recognized I was well on my way to being the best ally ever.

Finally remember it is important at the end of helping your local gay community to demand thanks. There is even a new tumblr site called Straight Up Thanks where you can publicly be rewarded for simply being a decent human being.  If you aren’t on that website the chances of getting your ally card are significantly reduced. At the end of the day what you want is to be known as an ally so you can say parade around with pride. Remember now that you have your ally card all gay people will trust you the same way they trust all the other (mainly evangelical groups) that have offered to ‘help’ them in the past.


One thought on “How to be a straight ally by a totally 100% not gay straight ally

  1. Hi. I just read everything you have up so far, and I have to say how brilliant this blog is. You’ve perfectly described so many white people/ally tropes and done it in the most hilarious way. Congratulations on being amazing.

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