White folks in North America are known for voting in redneck politicians, Recently however there is a whole new set of brown-necked politicians of Panjabi descent to vote for. Below is a review of some of North America’s most prominent Panjabi politicians.

Jagmeet Singh Dhaliwal – Jagmeet Singh has single handedly turned the almost solely white hippy union party of the Ontario NDP into one with two non-white hippy union members.  He is known for his incredible sense of fashion and works part-time as a model. He has been known to win debates simply by out-handsoming his opponents even when he could take them handily in a more traditional rhetorical format. Perhaps his biggest influence on the party has been changing the party colours from Orange and Green to Khalsa Orange and Blue.  He is also responsible for developing the Ontario NDP Panjabi slogan which translates back into English as: “Orange and Blue for Ontario, Orange and Blue for Khalistan, Khalistan, Khalistan!” He is part of the very large Dhaliwal family which is known to be much more progressive than those darn Sidhus.

Ruby Dhalla – Ruby Dhalla is the former MP for Brampton-Springdale. She has stated she shortened her name to appeal to white voters which is odd considering there were only five non-Panjabi families in the riding of Brampton-Springdale at the time of her election. Of these families three were Gujrati, one Kashmiri and the family of the local mayor. Despite the name shortening she remains much less of a panderer than more conservative Panjabi politicians.  Ruby Dhalla was unhappy with her political record which started at the age of ten with a letter to Indihra Gandhi in 1984. Consequently she promoted a private members bill in the House of Commons apologizing on behalf of Canada for turning back the Komagata Maru in 1914. This ensured that her political record actually began sixty years before her birth.

Tim Uppal – Tim Uppal’s greatest achievement is sitting behind the Prime Minister without falling asleep.  His other duties including standing within eyeshot of Conservative ministers during media scrum so that should a media representative call them on their racism they can point to Tim and say look I have a Muslim friend.  His name Tim was believed to be short for either Timjot or Timunder-the-impression-Albertans-might-not-vote-conservative-and-changing-his-name-is-necessary but is in fact not short for anything.  He joins other Conservative Panjabi politicians who have changed their names completely to suck up to white voters, namely Nina (formerly Narinder) Grewal and Parm (formerly Parmesandip) Gill. Tim once filmed an election ad for the Conservative party of Canada in the previously unheard of language South Asian, which appeared after further review to be just an overly patronising and politically subservient dialect of Panjabi.

Nikki Haley – Despite her attempts to convince voters otherwise the current governor of South Carolina is actually of Panjabi descent. After bringing her “I am not south Asian this is a tan” brand of campaigning to the GOP she was selected to run for governor. Although she claims to be the first female South Asian to be elected governor the office of records rescinded that honour after discovering numerous voters only voted for her because they believed “it was just a tan”. Politically she is anti-abortion, pro-partition and undeclared on 1984.


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