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White people started the Olympics. It began as a sporting competition amongst colonial powers aiming to reignite Hellenic ideals.  Since then it’s been plagued by white people. In the United States from the segregation suffered by Jesse Owens, to the total retraction of support for Tommie Smith and John Carlos, to the treatment of Gabby Douglas and the Williams sisters the presence of white people continues to taint the American Olympic Movement.  The leadership of the IOC itself a parade of particularly white folks, from Brundage with his support for the Berlin games, through former fascist official Samaranch to the current Rogge who is known for his public disdain when black men celebrate.  The question is how can we create an Olympics not bogged down by the meddling of white people.

First off we need to recognize the role of money. Since non-white athletes have shown success the proliferation of money-sports has gone through the roof. Money-sports are distinct from traditional sports in that they rely more on money rather than athletic prowess for success. These sports include sailing dependent on technology for success; horse stuff reliant on old-money; and bicycling dependent on engineering, both physical and biological, to the detriment of skill.  Due to their control over sports white people have turned former non-money sports into money sports. We see this in the introduction of artificial turf to field hockey, the development of swimming bodysuits and technical advances in shooting.

There is a better way forward than engaging in a boycott the way the African nations, along with many Asian ones, did for the 1966 World Cup (and you thought the Geoff Hurst goal was the reason the English win was sketchy). We propose the formation of a new games. The following is the White People HQ proposal for a new international games.

First off to appease white people we will need a method of awarding medals.  The new proposal is simply to auction them off. Canada could look into a sale on bronzes, China might only purchase golds. In the end people would recognize how arbitrary the medal table is and actually appreciate the sport rather than the statistics.

The sports included would change. Swimming competitions would be limited to one stroke, freestyle, and be held outdoors in a river.  All boating sports would include a competition to make the boat first, by hand. Cyclists would be handed the same generic bike and would be given standard blood to inject.

Nationalism’s central place in the Olympics would be reduced extensively. Athletes would be teamed up using the more traditional style of captain’s pick with rock-paper-scissors delineating who gets to pick first.  The unpredictability provided by this system would increase excitement and reduce the attractiveness to advertisers making it more fun to watch the now uninterrupted events.

The winter Olympics, basically a money-sports only games, would be cancelled. Instead there would be a single multi-day trek based event. Contestants would be dropped off at a start point and who ever arrived first at the finish point 300-plus kilometres away would be considered the winner. This is expected to come down to a three way contest between Sápmi, Denedeh and the Innu.

The Paralympics begun as a way to let white men who’d fought and been injured in Europe War II to have a competition. Since then it has become much more inclusive. Although we at White People HQ have no proposed changes to the Paralympics at this time, we would like to see Oscar Pistorius removed.

Oscar Pistorius was born in the apartheid-diamond-money suburb of Sandton outside Johannesburg during apartheid. He attended private school and participated in sports while supporting Lazio one of Italy’s most fascist football clubs.  Nevertheless he complained, after he lost to Brazilian Alan Fonteles Cardoso Oliveira, that Oliveira had an unfair advantage after the Brazilian made quicker steps on shorter legs with cheaper prosthetics.  This is exactly the kind of person (white) who should not be in charge of, or speaking for, an international sporting event.

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One thought on “A New Olympics

  1. Pingback: Lunch Break: Sochi Street Food Edition at Phoodie.info: The New Food And Drink Blog For Philadelphia

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