With the controversy around Toronto’s Caribana in the last couple years and the change in control many have questioned what will happen with the festival in the future. Although at White People HQ we wish them them the best today we want to tell you about a wonderful festival that continue to grow: White Caribana.

White Caribana is centred around a parade which starts at noon sharp, just as advertised. Many of the festival goers even show up before hand.  The parade goers line the route as much as two deep in places. The parade itself features a wide variety of political floats and the occasional business targeting the community. Unlike the traditional Caribana parade which begins after two (although curiously the advertising indicates the two parades are simultaneous) the White Caribana parade features little dancing and relatively quiet music.

Most of the music at White Caribana centres around Bob Marley a musician white people have misunderstood for generations now. Festival goers will tell you they are reggae fans but when asked to name an artist beside Bob Marley and the likely reply will be “ummm, Damian Marley.” If you ask them to name a reggae artist not named Marley you will be met with silence or “ummm, Junior Gong.”

Like traditional Caribana there is a the presence of long thick hair at White Caribana. Whereas at Caribana the locks are dreadlocks which smell of freedom and glisten with the purity of a non-displacement based Zionism, at White Cariban they are matlocks.  Matlocks are malodorous. Matlocks smell of Mesopotamian manure and Assyrian ass. In fact researchers recently discovered that the scent emanating from matlocks is identical to that of the compost once used to fertilize the hanging gardens at Babylon.

White Caribana has decent food. The festival also sees white people consume the largest amount of coconut water outside a yoga setting.  The selection of food is limited however as most of the quality food becomes available after 2PM for traditional Caribana despite the advertising clearly stating both events start at noon sharp.

Some researchers have noticed this tendency for lateness is not limited to the Caribbean community it also shows up in the concepts of African Time and IST in South Asia.  It turns out this is a concerted strategy. A recent leaked internal memo from the CPC (Colonized Peoples’ Congress) explains the strategy. The memo reads: “As white people were responsible for 500 years of theft we, as colonized peoples, commit to stealing that time back. Be sure to co-ordinate with those who are not compradors and we will take our time back, hour by hour and day by day, until equality is truly realized.”


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