Here at White People HQ we have been accused of denigrating white people and at one point of portraying white people as a plague. First of all white people are not a plague, in the biblical sense, as plagues of that nature require a supernatural invention to both begin and end them. To end white people it merely requires those being white people to stop racializing others and simultaneously denying they are doing it. Nevertheless for purposes of a thorough examination we have compared the role of white people in the world to Biblical plagues to see if there is anything to the claims that white people mimic plagues.
Water – The first biblical plague changed the waters of the Nile to blood killing the fish and rendering the water undrinkable. Although white people do not have the magical powers able to do this to water through legal measures (Bill C-45 in Canada and the whiteman’s party in the Unites States attacks on the EPA) they are doing what they can to ensure water pollution can be done more easily. White people (as represented by mining corporations) have already begun testing, with massive success, methods to eliminate drinkable water wherever they go.
Frogs – In the biblical plague frogs went everywhere and got into every nook and cranny. Those white people who weren’t biblical literalists have understood the symbolism of the frogs’ large eyes and load croaking as representing surveillance and reporting. The proliferation of surveillance is a major hallmark of white models of government and unlike frogs which are clearly visible the surveillance is now done more surreptitiously. Also given their inability to train frogs to repeat back what they’ve heard white people’s new technological models are more effective for reporting the results of surveillance.
Lice – Lice are pernicious and attack the head. White thought is known for attacking the brains of those people who cannot see through and dismantle the racializations white people create. Given the perniciousness of this affliction the issue is unlikely to go away soon. Some do totally succumb to the attack of white lice and it talks over their actions. Fortunately those whose brains have been ravage by a white lice attack can be easily detected given the fact that typically lice talk like colonized assholes.
Wild Animals/Flies – Unfortunately since white people don’t have an indigenous language determining whether this biblical plague refers to wild animals or flies is unclear. Either way the nature of the plague was to attack the local agricultural methods. This approach was followed through to a tee across white nation-states where industrial farming methods have destroyed local biodiversity and soil health. Agricultural models developed in white countries have also since been forced on other nations where their application is even less suited to the local conditions.
Pestilence – In the biblical version the attack was a disease on draught animals. White people however consider other people animals and have thus spent a significant amount of time spreading disease amongst those non-white peoples.
Incurable Boils – The important part of this plague is its incurable nature. The practice of white medicine which prioritizes billable hours and pharmaceutical development over health has created numerous drug resistant diseases, viruses and bacteria.
Hail and Thunder – This climatic interruption brought by a god was blessedly temporary. Earth’s white people have spent a number of years pumping greenhouse gases into the air in the attempt to make permanent climatic changes. This method though less dramatic than the traditional plague is currently a scourge on the planet. Curiously like with many other problems created by white people the worst offenders are the ones most likely to deny their role in its perpetuation.
Locusts – In the bible locusts destroyed entire crops making them unavailable to the Egyptian growers. White people have not had this destructive an effect on crops they have merely used their monetary and military pressure to force nations around the world to grow food for them or increasingly often for their cars. Unlike the plague of locusts which destroyed a year’s worth of crops the current model white people employ ties up land for generations.
Darkness – In the biblical plague God made the entire day dark. White people lack this flair for the dramatic and therefore satisfy themselves with the general dimming provided by smog. In any case all white people have access to electricity because without power they really can’t be white.
Death of the First-Born – Although previous iterations of white people used direct genocide the currently preferred model is simply cultural genocide. White people accomplish this through an education system which kills not only the cultures of others but many of the valuable parts of their own mainly European-in-origin cultures.