Dear White People HQ,

I am writing to tell you about a really fun game called cricket.  I recently learned how to play and seeing how white people are losing ground big time on the international stage I thought maybe I would spread the word about the game to see if we can get back on top and share the game here in North America.

I just played cricket for my Highschool. They recruited me in calculus because our school was a little short of quality players or South Asians as the census refers to them. There were two of us white guys on the team. The other guy was Alex and they called me doosra. Not because I was a good off-spinner but because there were two of us white guys; Alex and then I was the other one.

I was actually more of a pace bowler. My main attack was a combination beamer-full toss where I just chucked it at the batsman’s face. I was a real chucker, or at least that is what is sounded like they were calling me. I was so dangerous, they told me in practice, that they saved me for a special occasion. I only bowled one over and retired with 2 runs conceded, 4 dot balls and 93 wides.

I was more of a batsman. Didn’t matter what they bowled at me I could put it straight up in the air. Again being such a dangerous weapon they saved me for 12th in the order.

As for my fielding I tended to play a very fine leg side silly point off of deep midwicket, very, very deep. “Go all the way back until the rope is in front of you” the captain told me. My team won every match I played I like to think I was pretty integral to our success.

Anyways to sum up try cricket and if you play anything like the way I did you’ll be so good your team won’t know what to do with you.


Dick Ponting


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