ATTENTION: White history month is cancelled. A month discussing genocide, land theft and appropriation left everyone depressed and for that reason we here at White People HQ have taken it upon ourselves to cancel white history month. The following events celebrating white history month have all been cancelled:
- The White History Lecture Series This year a number of prominent scholars attempt to explain how a bunch of Europeans came up with the concept of white people. All the sleight of hand and evolving arguments for the existence of a master race are theorized in detail and debated by leading scholars on the panel.
- Racist Grandpa storytelling. For the kids this event celebrates the good old days back before we were overrun by immigrants. Racist Grandpa also shares his theories on racial hierarchy and teaches children all the classic racisms we don’t use any more.
- HBO Girls marathon. This show celebrates an all white imaginary New York City also seen in How I Met Your Mother and Friends. It deals with the struggles that wealthy white young people face on a daily basis; this may be why it is so boring and unimaginative.
- Tour of Old-money Mansions. Take the opportunity to see where prominent white families lived in the past. Find out how they survived in such large houses without electricity (hint it is servants) just don’t ask them how the houses were built.
- Celebration of Sports Lasts. Given the rise of non-white middle classes and the loss of segregation in sports we will be celebrating great lasts in white sports history. This is from the same local community which last year provided the greatest kickers and punters presentation.
- Museum Tour. The local museums of anthropology and archaeology are showing off all the stuff white people have stolen. For white history month all the new artifact descriptions developed in conjunction with the theft victims have been removed and the historical descriptions are back. Look forward to an afternoon of civilization-based discourse.
- White Fights. This celebration at the local legion will honour white members of the military who lost their lives fighting wars that benefited richer and higher status white men.
- White is Beautiful. This celebration of white femininity highlights the role graceful and subservient white women have played in supporting the dominance of white men. This year the panel discussion will also include a review of prominent historical white women who started charities for people they enjoyed looking down on.
The following events have not been cancelled:
- The library will put white authours out front again and won’t make you search to find something written by white people.
- Magazines which featured black women with blonde hair for black history month will go back to white women with blonde hair.
Once again sorry for the abrupt cancellation and please continue to celebrate white history month with your families in your own special way.