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Not because it is a charity awareness month, but just because stuff happens to people, White People HQ would like to talk about mental health. We begin by reminding anyone if you are facing a mental health crisis do not call a professional. We present the following as evidence.

Call 1

Hello

Hello to who am I speaking?

Mike

Okay Frank, tell me why you are calling?

I feel like I am all alone and no one even knows my name.

Well Steve, I am sure there are people out there who care about you.

How can you be sure you’ve never met me.

Listen David, I am sure –

Call 2

Hello

Hello, tell me why you have called us.

I feel like I am all alone and no one even knows my name.

Can you tell me more?

I feel like people in positions of power over me tend to patronize me.

Do you now?

Call 3

Hello

Hello, tell me why you have called us today.

I feel like I am all alone and no one even knows my name.

So you feel like you are all alone, hmm. Do you live with anyone?

Just my girlfriend.

And she loves you?

I thought so until you just made me question it.

Well –

Call 4

Hello

Hello, tell me why you have called us today.

I feel like I am all alone and no one even knows my name.

Have you tried changing?

Changing what?

Anything really.

Can you be more specific?

Yourself or things around you.

I feel trapped.

You are not.

Have you ever felt trapped? Have you been through depression?

Not personally but I have personally helped over –

Call 5

Hello

Hello, tell me why you have called us today.

I feel like I am all alone and no one even knows my name, I feel like people keep treating me like I am a child and I can’t get on with my adult life

Oh now (tut) you shouldn’t think like that.

How should I think then?

Well first of all you should –

Call 6

Hello

Hello, tell me why you have called me today.

I feel like I am all alone and no one even knows my name.

As an expert in separation issues I feel this may be about a recent separation you had.

What?

Have you recently been separated from someone?

No.

Think harder, there must be something, I know this must be about separations, I am an expert in separation so –

You diagnose everyone with it –

Call 7

Hello

Hi, what can we help you with today?

I am looking for somewhere to find some counselling.

You sure you don’t want to talk about it with us on the phone now?

Yes, very.

Okay, well I have something for you from the benevolence of rich white folks.

Pardon me?

I said the United Way has funded a program.

Ok, when should it get me counselling?

Oh about 4 months or so.

Call 8

Hello

Hi, What can we help you with today?

I am looking for somewhere to find some counselling.

Sure, I can book you in.

What is the wait time?

Two weeks usually.

Good and where is this?

It’s just two and half hours and two bus transfers away from where you are.

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