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English as a language is known for its ability to incorporate in elements of other languages through cultural contact (this doesn’t always mean colonization, seriously, the word Aardvark is from Dutch and they were never colonized by the English). This ability of English to be molded to one’s use is part of why white people have largely lost control of it. The following is a review of some indigenous white dialects which remain strong.

Pretentian – This is widely spoken due to the importance of status to white people. In fact whiteness has now become almost solely about social status since it was discovered that white people have largely inferior (the technical term is recessive) genes. This dialect is all about exaggeration and appearance for the sake of self-representation. The ability to speak Pretentian fluently is often important when crafting a resume in many areas particularly in the field of business. A Pretentian sentence will sound something akin to: One of Rob’s great passions is his support for democracy and religious freedom. Thesaurian is a sub-dialect of Pretentian common among younger white people.

Problemateek – This dialect is used to feign understanding and prevent thorough investigation in a difficult conversation. Through a number of approaches it aims to flag issues without interrogating them. Those who speak Problemateek tend to congregate in the caring professions.  They are known for commenting on how others lives are complex and confusing without taking the time to truly understand what they are about. A typical Problemateek sentence might sound something like: The racism you discussed in your poem is interesting and the insertion of the bit domestic violence is problematic for a number of reasons; let’s discuss the choice of rhyme scheme.

Academench – This dialect is unsurprisingly indigenous to the white academy.  The dialect developed first amongst Parisian social theorist worried that activists were able to comprehend their work and use it in real life.  Much of Acadamench can be mistraced directly to Michel Foucault and Karl Marx. The following, not atypical, Acadamench sentence  is from Acadamench poet Judith Butler:  This iterability implies that ‘performance’ is not a singular ‘act’ or event, but a ritualized production, a ritual reiterated under and through constraint, under and through the force of prohibition and taboo, with the threat of ostracism and even death controlling and compelling the shape of the production, but not, I will insist, determining it fully in advance. Training scholars of colour to speak solely in Acadamench is a primary method for ensuring the ivory tower remains a place of talk rather than action.

Mispronuncificeese – This dialect is made up primarily of passive aggressive microaggressions. Mispronuncificeese is used heavily when people of colour enter space white people mistake for their own. Those who speak Mispronuncificeese often have difficulty pronouncing anything but the most anglo of syllables.  Mispronuncificeese speakers are known for creating horrible nicknames which cause them to be derided outside the Mispronuncificeese community.  Perhaps the most famous Mispronuncificeese phrase of all time is: I am going to call you little Q and if you complain I’ll call you a brat. Perhaps the greatest thing about Mispronuncificeese is other white people don’t see how exclusionary it is allowing those who use it to maintain a clear conscious.

Fauxdigeniss – This is the dialect of new age shamans. This dialect talks about tributes to people your ancestors massacred and makes endless references to a never defined concept of spirituality. Those who use the dialect tend to talk endlessly about energy and energies but almost never power. When the Fauxdigeniss do talk about a power it is usually a higher one and they are usually high themselves.  This language is also used for marketing things white people have appropriated to sell to other white people. No non-white person has ever purchased something marketed in Fauxdigeniss.  Feel the spirit energy in our authentic and traditionally themed sweat lodge hand-crafted by Kevin from Arizona, is an example of Fauxdiginess.

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