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White people love charity. It is like justice except for the part where the two are opposites. White people like charity because we get to keep on doing our own thing without changing the processes that created the injustice in the first place. Charity events are a great way to drag a bunch of white people into a room and take their money. Don’t worry they won’t interrogate what you are doing with the money as long as you run your event properly.  This is how you run a charity event for white people.

First up you need a stunt.  White people don’t give to a charity because the people it claims to help need help, they give their money for the performance of a stunt.  Old-school stunts were simple things like running a couple miles to raise awareness for a disease your sister had but this won’t cut it any more.  Recently the bar has been set extremely high when it comes to stunts. One family recently offered to fly to Tanzania from North America and climb Mt. Kilmanjaro for a charity that  purported to have supported poor Africans.  These are the ideal type of stunts because not only do they take up a massive amount of the budget which could otherwise be given to the charity’s recipients they also remind those recipients who really has the money to give. It also reminds the money’s recipients what they don’t have. This is why all anti-homelessness charities hold their events indoors. Some other good stunts include charity concerts which use up enough electricity to power the places they claim to support for a decade. The idea is to rub it in the face of those receiving the charity as effectively as possible.  Perhaps the greatest stunt was done by Invisible Children who made dance videos which didn’t even mention the place they were pretending to send money.

Your charity must always emphasize awareness over change. You may have been stunned by the Make Poverty History campaign a few years ago which talked only about awareness. You may have though who doesn’t know about poverty. Of course everyone knows about poverty but white people would not have given to charities which aimed to institute substantive change because ending poverty would mean ending their relative wealth. Interestingly bringing in white celebrities is a great way to garner awareness because for white people learning new things means listening to the same old people. Some change is of course permitted but only if it is temporary.  This is why white people (or Oprah and Cory Booker) will do voluntary famines or electricity reducing exercise. The famines, both nutritional and electrical, are of course ultimately just stunts.  The purpose of these charity stunts, is to make white people feel good about themselves and give them something to brag about. If you can give white people something to brag about they’ll give you their money.

Giant overheads are important to attracting white people to your charity.  White people want to know the people they are giving money to have money. Advertising is a huge part of seeming like an affluent charity. Slick images don’t scare off white people since they aren’t used to being targeted by them many of them vote Republican anyway. An easy way to do effective charity advertising is to use children in your imagery who aren’t old enough to call you on your exploitation of them. Remember white people don’t really want to give to poorer people they just want to be seen giving money away in an obvious was so it looks like they can afford to. For this reason charities which transfer as much as possible to those that need it are generally shunned by white people. It is also very important that you spend a significant portion of your funds on pins and buttons for white people so they can advertise the fact that they gave you a minimal amount of money.

One thing resulting from this desire for high overheads is the charity catering rule.  The charity catering rule stipulates that the food at a charity event must be better than what the money’s purported recipients would eat. This means that for anti-poverty events catering can be minimal but must be present even if the event is at 10AM or 2PM.  Although you may have thought that healthcare-based charities had better catering because white people felt better giving large sums of money to research that may eventually help themselves, the charities are merely trying to meet the requirements of the charity catering rule.

To wrap up remember that white people love charities which make them feel good. They love charities which don’t make them change how they relate to poor or sick or different-than-them people. They like to raise awareness about a problem but not its origins or solutions. White people like to see feel-good stunts not tragedies. White people like giant overheads and large organizations which invest in themselves. When designing a charity fundraiser for white people you need to think like a white person. Just ask yourself: How can I create a charity which gives back to those people who least need it?

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3 thoughts on “How to Run a Charity that gets White People’s Money

  1. Pingback: How to run a charity that gets White People’s Money |

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