White People HQ is proud to announce our new plans for a recreation facility: The White Saviour Recreation Complex. Located at the corner of Colonial Boulevard and Denial Avenue this complex will serve white people young and old.
Upon entering the complex visitors will be greeted by a large atrium. The atrium will be heavily guarded to ensure only members enter the public community spaces within. To the left will be physical recreation facilities whereas to the left will be the library and other cultural facilities. It is with the cultural facilities we start our virtual tour.
The cultural wing will feature a hall of fame, library, and recital space. This hall of fame will allow philanthropists to spend their profits from exploitation on sponsored bricks under the guise of charity. The hallway will also have plenty of room for displaying all the awards white people give each other. At the end of the hallway will be the “Presley to Timberlake History of Contemporary Music Auditorium”. Nearer the atrium will be the Kipling-Kristoff-Kielburger Library. This library will have a special collection dedicated white stories about non-white peoples. Efforts are currently being made to book either Aaron Huey or another National Geographic writer to ceremonially open the library.
The cultural wing will also have a second storey. The second storey will be accessed using two elevators, nicknamed “positive thinking” and “progress,” which will only go up. On the second storey will be community rooms where white people can meet to discuss racism free of pesky people of colour and/or how to save people in the global south from their loved ones. There will also be facilities to plan trips to places that need more white people like malaria needs a comprehensive mosquito net program. Around the corner from the community rooms will be a job board where white managers can post openings for positions without technically violating regulations to post the position publicly. Off of the community rooms will be the access to a green roof, where white parents can teach their children about saving the planet without actually being on the land.
All this brings us to the physical recreation wing. There will be a large children’s play area where toddlers and younger children can run wild, indoors and with supervision, while their parents and older siblings use the other facilities available. This room, named the Africa room, will be left empty so that white children can treat it as a blank canvas for their imagination just like their parents. It is anticipated the room will at one point be divided up arbitrarily to make things easier for the supervisors, separating siblings and friends for no logical reason beyond maintaining control.
Before the aquatic centre will be the Lance Armstrong US Postal Service workout area. It is named in honour of Lance Armstrong for best exemplifying the “ride-it-hard-and-never-admit-you-stole-it” white attitude that makes America great. Adjacent to the weightroom will be a yoga studio where white people can contort themselves into all sorts of positions including this one where think they have a clue about yoga’s origins.
Perhaps the most spectacular part of the complex is the aquatic centre. The centre feature and Olympic length salt water pool filled entirely with white-tears. The salt water system allows for more efficient filtration of dirt particles and systemic critiques. The leftover salt from the filtration process will be recycled for applying to wounds. Perhaps the most spectacular aspect of the aquatic complex is the moral slide. This exciting water slide allows one to move from Christianizing morality to atheism through a wonderful series of convoluted twists ending at base of the same orientalist ladder where you begin.