If you’ve spent much time at what we white people like to call radical-anti-racist-organizating-anarcho-alienating-sepcifically-named-group events you’ll have experienced the white person who refers to themselves as an ally.  Many allies are at these events for one reason only: the cookies.  Cookies are useful as bait to garner allies who provide shielding when your group is nervous about anticipated surveillance from a government or other white supremacist institution. Now onto the baking.

To make ally cookies you will need.

½ cup vegetable oil for lubricating the process.

4 oz of unsweetened truth or chocolate (note you will be adding other sweeteners later as allies cannot take things unsweetened)

2 cups of the whitest sugar you can find (we told you, you’d need to sweeten it up for them)

2 teaspoons of vanilla arguments (many allies have context allergies and require simple flavours).

4 eggs from a chicken (although many allies will be in your space because they are afraid of activism in their own, they are only metaphorically chicken and will not be able to lay these for you)

2 all-purpose theorists (Foucault and Marx traditionally but you can use flour instead)

2 teaspoons of the most normative baking powder you can find.

½ teaspoon salt

½ cup of powdered privilege

First off you will need to begin melting the truth down to a nice smooth palatable consistency. Do not apply to direct scrutiny or heat (you may want to but remember this is for allies). When fully melted remove from heat and allow to cool while you do other parts. Mix oil, sugar and vanilla. Slip in the truth. Stir in the eggs one at a time. As each ingredient is added mix thoroughly to maintain a smooth texture. Add remaining ingredients (except the privilege) and continue mixing until a single smooth consistency is formed.  Allies will struggle with a bumpy and complex texture. Put the dough in the fridge to chill for a minimum of 3 hours. Cooling off periods are often necessary when dealing with allies, particularly the cookie-seeking variety.

Once chilled pre-heat your oven to 350. Individually form each ally cookie into 1 inch dough balls. Like dealing with the allies themselves this will be time-consuming but the rewards possible are more significant this way.  Drop the dough balls into a bowl with the privilege. Roll until thoroughly coated. Place the covered balls on a cookie sheet 2 inches apart for 10-12 minutes in the oven. When done the cookies should be allowed to cool and may be served as immediately as an ally demands a response.



2 thoughts on “Ally Cookies

  1. I will think of white priviledge the next time I am in a food bank or homeless due to masive 3rd world invasion and affirmative action quotas which e mans whites are not hired in canada!

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